Sex With Dr. Jess by Dr. Jess O'Reilly
Dr. Jess O'Reilly
In Sex With Dr. Jess, Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, Toronto-based sexologist, author, and media personality, shares tips on how to enhance your sexual life to improve the quality of your relationships. She interviews guests with questions ranging from how to deal with jealousy to getting down in the bedroom, as well as hosting thought-provoking episodes centered around compatibility and strengthening relationships.
Categories: Health
Listen to the last episode:
Do you struggle with rejection?
How does your response vary from the boardroom to the bedroom?
Do layers of your identity affect how you deal with rejection?
We surveyed our community regarding their experiences of rejection, and we shared their insights in this week’s episode. We think it’s a great one! Thank you to those who sent messages. We appreciate you.
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If you’re looking for an episode on sexual initiation techniques, click here.
Check out the 12 insights on managing rejection below, as well as the full transcript (scroll down).
12 Insights on Rejection from Our Community
(Some of these have been edited for clarity/brevity.)
Why can women say no to sex, but when a guy says no, it’s crazy?
For me, it’s all about connection. When I get rejected over and over again, it brings up feelings of unlovability, unworthiness, being unimportant, etc. I’m working through some of that, but I also think it’s normal; in a monogamous sexual relationship. Taking care of myself doesn’t provide an emotional connection, and it can even hinder connection when it’s all I’m left with.
Rejection is just God’s Protection (it’s supposed to rhyme).Yes. Can we re-frame rejection to be something that safeguards us against things that aren’t good for us? Didn’t get that job because you didn’t click with the hiring team, maybe, you wouldn’t have liked working with them anyway? You approached someone to make a new connection, and they were aloof, maybe that’s not the energy you need in your life?
Don’t take it as a negative. Don’t take it personally. People have many different preferences. It’s not about you.
Accept rejection. Don’t let it turn into dejection. For me, it’s about not personalizing it. My GF isn’t in the mood? Cool. It has nothing to do with me. And honestly, I don’t feel like it’s my job to get her in the mood. Sometimes I will, but if she knows what she has to do to get herself in the mood too. She likes sex as much as I do. I know that for sure. So if she is working too much, or going out too much and feeling tired or not doing the things that facilitate her mood, it’s not about me. But this only applies since we started talking about sex. 10 years ago, I know she said no because the sex wasn’t so good for her. Now that I know what she likes. Now that we’ve both learned to be better lovers, we don’t personalize things as much. So I guess it begins with making sure the sex is good and learning to be an open, caring, attentive lover. And then you don’t personalize it when they say no.
Everything changed for me when I finally talked to my wife about the all one-sided initiation. I was in your workshop in _______. You said that we need to share initiation because when one person does all the sexual initiation, they’re the only one who has to deal with sexual rejection. The other is often avoidant. So when my wife and I finally had that conversation, and we both agreed that we should both initiate, I learned that sometimes I’m not in the mood when she’s in the mood. And she learned; what it feels like when I say no. The first part — my finally saying no to her because I wasn’t finding myself in the mood made me realize that I’m not rejecting her. I’m just not in the mood for sex. So I get that it’s the same for her. She’s not rejecting me. She just - doesn’t want that type of connection at the time. So switching sides helped. But also, because she was pretty upset the first few times I said no, it changed the way she communicates her NO to me. We’ve talked about; how to reject with more grace and what we can do when the other isn’t in the mood. So it’s not a big deal anymore.
Previous episodes
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379 - 12 Strategies To Manage Rejection Fri, 11 Mar 2022 - 0h
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378 - Quick Connection Exercise for Couples Fri, 18 Feb 2022 - 0h
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377 - The Ultimate Guide To Dirty Talk: 60+ Tips & Examples Fri, 18 Jun 2021 - 0h
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376 - Eroticize Daily Interactions: 20 Actionable Tips For Busy Couples Fri, 16 Apr 2021 - 0h
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374 - 4 Types of Couples — Which One Are You? Fri, 08 Dec 2023 - 0h
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373 - Sex, Gender & Intimacy: People Collide with Isle McElroy Thu, 23 Nov 2023 - 0h
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372 - Managing Burnout In Relationships: Conservation of Resources Theory Fri, 17 Nov 2023 - 0h
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371 - How To Stop Bickering: 12 Strategies Fri, 03 Nov 2023 - 0h
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370 - Eroticize Daily Interactions: 20 Actionable Tips For Busy Couple Fri, 10 Nov 2023 - 0h
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368 - Candid Conversations: Managing the ‘Work Spouse’ and Therapy Avoidance Fri, 27 Oct 2023 - 0h
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367 - Sex & Relationship Q&A: Cheating, Trust & Sexual Pressure Thu, 19 Oct 2023 - 0h
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366 - How To Plan A Successful Threesome Fri, 06 Oct 2023 - 0h
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365 - All About Threesomes Thu, 28 Sep 2023 - 0h
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364 - Pleasure, Spanking & Masculinity with King Noire Fri, 22 Sep 2023 - 0h
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363 - A Guide to Compassionate Communication Thu, 14 Sep 2023 - 0h
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362 - 3 Sex & Relationship Lessons From “Lifestyle” Couples Fri, 08 Sep 2023 - 0h
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361 - Top Relationship Tips From Happier Couples: 8 Secrets To Success Thu, 31 Aug 2023 - 0h
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360 - Financial Infidelity & How To Talk About Money Thu, 24 Aug 2023 - 0h
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359 - Sex Q&A, Alvinophilia & Sex vs. Social Media Thu, 17 Aug 2023 - 0h
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358 - Jess & Brandon’s Latest Argument. And A 7-Minute Solution Fri, 11 Aug 2023 - 0h
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357 - 12 Strategies To Deal With Rejection Thu, 03 Aug 2023 - 0h
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356 - How to Manage Rejection Part 1 Thu, 27 Jul 2023 - 0h
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355 - Attraction & Body Image: Communication for Couples Thu, 20 Jul 2023 - 0h
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354 - Romance Scams & How To Date Safely Thu, 13 Jul 2023 - 0h
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353 - Q&A Quickie: Sexual Desire & Painful Sex Thu, 06 Jul 2023 - 0h
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352 - How to Be An Ally & Accomplice Fri, 30 Jun 2023 - 0h
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351 - How to Explore Kinks & Fetishes Thu, 22 Jun 2023 - 0h
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350 - Q&A Quickie: Passing Gas, Snooping & Ex-Lovers Thu, 15 Jun 2023 - 0h
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349 - Swallowing, Gag Reflexes & SLPs Fri, 09 Jun 2023 - 0h
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348 - Backdoor Pleasure with Luna Matatas Fri, 02 Jun 2023 - 0h
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347 - How To Get Over Performance Anxiety Thu, 25 May 2023 - 0h
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346 - Improve Sexual Self-Esteem & Communication Fri, 19 May 2023 - 0h
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345 - Real-Life Sex Confessions: AURORE Fri, 12 May 2023 - 0h
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344 - How to improve sleep for better relationships (and better sex) Thu, 04 May 2023 - 0h
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343 - Marriage Advice From A Divorce Lawyer Thu, 27 Apr 2023 - 0h
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342 - 3 Conversations To Save A Relationship: Why? How? What? Fri, 21 Apr 2023 - 0h
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341 - Secrets of A Happy Couple (After 35+ Years!) Fri, 14 Apr 2023 - 0h
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340 - Scheduling Sex, Erectile Issues & Sexual Avoidance Fri, 07 Apr 2023 - 0h
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339 - Pelvic Floor Essentials: The Key To Sexual Health From Puberty to Menopause Fri, 31 Mar 2023 - 0h
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338 - Open Relationships & Polyamory Fri, 24 Mar 2023 - 0h
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337 - Help! We’re not sexually compatible Fri, 17 Mar 2023 - 0h
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336 - Can Gender-Bending Improve Sex? Fri, 10 Mar 2023 - 0h
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335 - Quickie Q&A: Should you change for a partner & how do you know if non-monogamy is right for you? Fri, 24 Feb 2023 - 0h
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334 - Chore Wars: How To Stop Fighting About Housework Fri, 17 Feb 2023 - 0h
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333 - Why We Don’t Celebrate Valentine’s Day Fri, 10 Feb 2023 - 0h
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332 - How To Build Emotional Intimacy Fri, 03 Feb 2023 - 0h
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331 - Reset Your Relationship In 2 Minutes Fri, 27 Jan 2023 - 0h
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330 - 7 Minutes of Sex: Desensitization? Fri, 20 Jan 2023 - 0h
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329 - Kinks, Fetishes & Pervertibles Fri, 13 Jan 2023 - 0h
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328 - Help! I’m only attracted to the “wrong type” & what to do when I’m no longer “in love” Thu, 05 Jan 2023 - 0h